This thing and that thing...

Life can be pretty boring, eventful or as it happens to be in my case nowadays- very close to disastrous. I bungee-jump into every new venture with the hope of it becoming exciting, but some how mysteriously ends up with terrible results. I don’t remember exactly when this kind of things started happening, but I can guarantee it used to be very normal before my 30^th birthday.

The earliest I can remember started with the new, much hyped shopping centre in our town centre. With over 50 shops (most of them, branded designer ones) in four levels, it was supposed to be the heaven for women shoppers in Midlands. Or so I thought. The first week, I was awe-stricken when I couldn’t move through the shopping centre without pushing (and being pushed by) others. The second week came and things were not so good. I had to wait at each traffic-light for 25 minutes, before I could move an inch to the next one. And this happened for four consecutive lights, when I found myself nearing snapping point. But things had just started to begin. After spending more than one hr waiting at four junctions (25 mts at each), I reached the parking lot that boasted to have 1000 slots. And what do I see? All the 1000 slots are occupied. Not even that, even the spaces reserved for TESCO delivery vans, which are in prohibited area are full with private cars. I can’t even see the footpath because of the cars parked in it whose two wheels are on it and the other two on the road. I was shocked and started sweating profusely. I didn’t know what to do. It is not like in India. You can’t park anywhere you like. I am already driving alone with my provisional license, and if I violate one more rule, my full Irish license will be just a distant dream!

I can’t do anything but go round and round the parking lot, till I get a space. I went to the extreme end of the lot and started hunting for space, only to realise that I am not rude or fast enough to compete with other space-hunters like me. One second I saw the space and the next second I didn’t. After spending another 15 minutes burning another litre of petrol to find a parking space, I thought of the possibility of finding a slot, 2 kms away. I went there parked and then walked 2 kms through the bone-chilling wind. The usual 10-minute drive to town has now turned into a gruelling one-hour pain-staking journey. Thanks to the new shopping centre! They say it is bringing a lot of business to Athlone, but did anyone think about the normal people who are already living in Athlone?
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According to me, I was/am leading a life over-working, under-nourished and under-privileged. I remembered waking up, dressing, working and nothing else. Gone were the days of reading books. Some days I didn’t even wash my face or brush my hair. I didn’t give it a thought till I saw something different in my friend’s hair. The previous day when I last saw her, her hair was blonde. The next morning, she was a brunette! My first thought was I might be going bonkers with over-working. But then, I went to her, touched her hair and made myself sure that I was not dreaming. No, I was not nuts. She did colour her hair burgundy, had a nice cut and was looking fabulous! I touched my greasy hair and tried to remember the last time, it saw the comb.

Only after confirming the appointment for my hair, the next day did I touch my hair again.
Mary Shine usually has very busy days and usually I may have to wait minimum 1 hour to get my haircut. May be due to the cold grey morning, this Saturday she had only me as the client. I was happy because she took longer time with my hair. For me, that meant perfection, again, so I thought. I am usually cool with haircuts. After all, it is hair and it always grows back. But this time, due to my lucky stars, I am always for a surprise.
After 20 minutes, what do I see? A very unattractive, extremely repelling and freaky version of Demi Moore, in the film ‘Ghost’!. No offence, I have always admired her hair-cut in it. Because of her sharp features, it suited her a lot . But that was Demi and this was me. There are only just a handful of women who can carry a very short haircut with grace. Demi Moore, Princess Diana and Priyanka Gandhi. There may be more, but these are all I know. And everyone had the most elegant facial features – sharp nose, long elegant neck and prominent cheek bones, that make them look so feminine even with the boyish cut. And what do I see in the mirror now!

A blunt piggy nose, stubby neck and no cheeks trying to give company to a “Demi Moor-ish haircut”. And one more thing. A double-chin-in-progress is also smiling back at me.

“How is it?”, Mary Shine seems happy with her work.

“Great” – calm down! Remember? Hair always grows back. Its just hair. She didn’t operate your face or anything! On a positive note, now the hair will look the same whether I run a brush through it or not.

My husband didn’t tell that he was shocked. He took one loooong and silent look at me and thought for a while before telling,
“hmm… the only difference is that now you are handsome, instead of beautiful”.
Huh…What does that mean?
“When we go to India with this look, your parents will be happy that finally they have a son. And now, I am happy that I have a male-friend instead of a wife. Oh, it is so good to live with a man now, for a change!”

So what… I don’t look feminine any more. My husband thinks he is now living with a man. Somehow or other he always ends up addressing me as “he”- which he says is completely unintentional! And my sanity-restoring-mantra is “Its just hair. Hair always grows back”!

A song worthy of all the tears.....

The one that made me cry all day......

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Song Name: Maa - Taare Zameen Par

Album Name: Taare Zameen Par

Singer Names: Shankar Mahadevan,

Lyricist Name: Prasoon Joshi

Music Director: Shankar Mahadevan, Ehsaan Noorani, Loy Mendonca

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa Bheed Mein Yun Na Chodo Mujhe Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa Bhej Na Itna Door Mujkko Tu Yaad Bhi Tujhko Aa Naa Paoon Maa Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa Chehre Pe Aana Deta Nahin Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Naa Maa Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

There is a first time for....

So, what is the big deal? It will be just like your first day in school. You don’t have to worry. You will be fine.

But what if I couldn’t learn it like others. What if the instructor asks me to quit and go home? What if I can never learn it in my life? What if I fail?

But you learned driving and cycling. This will be just like that. You just keep calm.

Ok. I am keeping my calm. O God! Please help me conquer this fear. This is very important for me, please help me learn it. I am desperate to learn this.

Remember, keep your calm. Breathe.. ok. Breathe. Hooooooo…..

I am not scared. There is nothing to worry. Everything will be fine.

Jacuzzi relaxes me. Gushing hot water massages every tired joint in my body. Wow! I think I will sleep in the Jacuzzi. Its 7:55 pm. Only 5 more minutes. Will I be the only person who doesn’t know anything? Will there be others like me who are totally scared?

Ok, instructor came. No, I don’t want to get out of Jacuzzi. I don’t want to go to the pool. I don’t want to drown myself. But then how will I overcome this fear? I have to do this.

I walk out of Jacuzzi, shower and go to him.

“Are you the one going to take swimming class?”

“Yes.”

“But, I am so scared of water. I am absolutely terrified”

“Don’t worry, you will be fine”

“Will I be?”

“Yes. Trust me”. He smiles. He is handsome.

God, first I need to learn to trust this “Handsome Hal”. I can’t even trust him.

Learn to trust him, Swathi. Learn to trust him. Your life is in his hands for one hour.

“Do, you want to hop into the water or do you want to walk through the steps”

Hop into the pool? No way!! Thanks, I will walk.

Water is really cold. It is 2 deg C outside. Usually the water is much more warm. I am shivering. I just have to get used to the temperature of water. Breathe… swathi.. breathe…take long breaths.

We all have this blue floating-aids. Its just a small square piece of sponge. That’s all. Will that really hold my weight?

“Now, among you guys, who are all absolutely scared of water?”

My hand shoots up. May be he will give me a life jacket, now. (!)

No. He didn’t. ‘Handsome Hal’(aka HH) just smiles. Why is he smiling always, when I am terrified?

“Now, the first lesson - be comfortable in putting your face under water. Open your eyes while doing that”

What! Putting my face under water? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I can’t do it. I will die.

HH, asks everybody to do it. Everybody is doing it fine. HH is looking at me.

“Now you, Swathi”. I cant. I will die, if I do it.

“It will be fine. Trust me Swathi”

Trust you? How I can I trust you. I don’t even know you.

“Now, try it, Swathi”

Blank your mind. Let it go. Even if you die, HH will be arrested. It will be his entire fault.

There is nothing in my mind for one second. I take my breath, put my face down, inside the water and push myself into it. No. No. This is not what I expected it to be. I am drowning. Where is he? I grab HH’s arm, as hard as I could. I lose my balance and can’t feel my feet on the floor, anymore. I am hanging on to him. I cant breathe. I gasp harder and grab on to him, more. My life depends on him now. He is dear to me than anything else in the world at that moment(!). I open my mouth for breath and drink pool water instead of air. Water goes inside my mouth, nose and my ears go pop, as they fill with water. Great! Now I cant even hear what he is telling me to do. I am going to die.

“Its OK. You can hold on to me. I am here for you, swathi. I am here”

Seconds pass. I cant breathe. I cough and gasp hard.

“I wont leave you. You can hold on to me”

No, still I cant breathe. I gasp harder. The entire pool is echoing with my gasp.

“Its ok. Take it slowly. Slowly. Don’t be nervous, You can hold on to me. I am not leaving you”

Great! I am creating a big drama here. Every body is looking at me. I am kicking and gasping while holding on to him.

“Are you ok?”

What do you think? Can’t you see? Didn’t I tell you, that I would die.

After one minute or so, I can breathe again. I leave my hold on him.

Came back sheepishly to poolside. As expected, made a big fool of myself. Great! Now everyone knows that I am truly a big loser in swimming .

Next it is trying to float. I copy HH when he shows me how to float. Surprisingly I am floating effortlessly with my face under water. How can it be? Last time I was gasping for air. I come back to the lady near me and ask her “How did I float? Did he hold me?” She smiles. “Yes, he held you. But its OK, you did well”. Yea, I did well(!). Along with floating aid, if ‘Handsome Hal’ holds me, I can float anyway. God! Will I ever do this thing myself?

Next it is pushing in to the water and kicking. No, I can’t kick inside water. I am going down. I am kicking vertically where I have to kick horizontally. But I am not going horizontally at all. Again, HH comes to help. He holds my floating aid and guides me.

“Excellent. See it’s not as bad as it seems to be”

I know I am pathetic. Don’t try to make me feel good. Without holding on to you, I can’t even float!

The lady near me says, ”You are doing great! By the end of six classes you will be swimming”

I ask her “How do you do the pushing into water, so elegantly, not even without a splash!”

“Don’t compare with me. I already know swimming. I joined the class to swim properly” she winks!

Great! Now, I know why I am kicking and gasping and holding on to ‘Handsome Hal’ for dear life, while all others are so smooth!

Now HH wants to throw the floating aid away and go into water. OK
, This time, I really am going to die. He says, “Trust me. I will hold you”. I try. But, I go down. He makes me try again. He is asking me to look into his knees to have my chin position correct. I am frantically searching for his knees underwater. Where are his goddamn knees! Using one of my legs, I push the wall and use that force to move half way through water. In that force, I push HH away who was ready to hold me and he gets hit hard by me.

“whoooooaaa!” I can hear him, yell. I knocked him down!

Great! There is a saying in Malayalam * “onnukil aasaante nechanthu, allengil kalarikku purathu”. I think that saying is written clearly for me. If I am not drowning and gasping, I will be knocking down my instructor!

Some how, one hour is over. Finally I can breathe air instead of water now. HH says, “Practice with floating aids, till next Monday. Be in the pool as long as you can. You were all excellent”. Yea, if I wasn’t there, everyone was excellent!

NOTE: If any body has kids who haven’t learnt swimming yet, please, please, I beg you to teach them. If not, as an adult, they are prone to make a big fool of themselves by trying to learn.

* Its about the martial art , Kalari. The literal meaning is [as a worst student of Kalari ] you will perform Kalari either on your teacher’s chest, or outside the place where it is supposed to be done”. (I am not very good in translation. so, please bear with me)

Latest update: I went for aqua aerobics(yes, the same old one!), yesterday . HH was the instructor for that too. Susannah told me that she and HH were discussing about me all the while before I came. I didn't dare to ask her what they discussed. (can imagine!). When I saw the raised eyebrows of HH, I told him why I was terrified of water ( a very frightening experience in a 6 ft deep pool, 5-6 yrs back, in India). He told me "You were the only true beginner, in yesterday's class. Rest of the guys knew swimming"... Phewww!




Hubby's comment(he came yesterday): When I started learning swimming, I drank so much of water that my friends had to make me lie on my stomach and squeeze all the water out. And it happened a lot of times. You are much better Swathi, that you didn't stoop into that level.

***Now, I know why I love this man. He has a knack of making me feel better out of any embarrassing situation***




My conclusion: I am not that bad. I really AM not!

Diary of a perturbed woman!

Diary of a perturbed woman, living alone in Ireland [husband is in India]!

Day1 : The morning when I opened the tap, it was like a deja vu of my age-old experiences with The Kerala Water Works! Not a drop of water. That was Kerala. This is Ireland .We dont panic in Kerala, we are so used to it. No water? Fine, there is a well at home or may be in any of the neighboring houses. But wells in Ireland??? No way!

I ran to our neighbors. No one has a drop of water. Fine, so it’s not due to our tank problems. Ran to ‘Super valu’ and bought two 10 litre cans of water.

NOTE: In Ireland, we don’t have to pay for tap water. It is a free commodity, as long as it is available. So, for the first time in Ireland I had to spent money for water! Great!

Water came late in the evening. Now, I always have an emergency water storage kept.

Day2: Gardai (Irish police) issued a new rule for prosecuting provisional license holders driving without a full license holder. It was to be implemented overnight. (In Ireland public transport is almost zero. If you don’t have a car, you are absolutely stuck. Buses are very rare, and trains rarer! ) And I am a provisional license holder. What luck! When my husband will be back, I will be in Gardai Station waiting for bail!

NOTE: On extreme public protest they took back the rule after one day!

Day3: In office, things were getting entirely out of control. I was being pulled by three different managers as I was covering for my colleagues who were on holidays. After getting so pissed off being ‘the doormat’ that I made this photo to make my point. While I was working on it, Mr. E happened to see and he dared me to make that picture my desktop or to take a print out of it and stick it on my cubicle front. I almost did! Well, I didn’t.

Day 4: Once I started living alone, I stopped cooking at home. Suddenly I found that I could live with just 2 slices of brown bread a day! And I don’t have to wash the plates. Wonderful! Result: dropped 2 kilos.

Day 5: My migraine got worse, and I had to take an overdose of Solpadeine. And then I found that more than 6 Solpadine a day can make you high! WOW! I was floating. I still don’t know how I didn’t crash my car into anything that evening.

Day6: Midlands’ biggest shopping centre opened. I am planning to spend my whole weekend there. One advantage of being alone here, you are not nagged by your husband to finish shopping within 15 minutes.

Day7: Tried to put my little finger into the big round plug point behind the coffee machine. Ms A yelled at me just like she yells at her own 2 yr old toddler. She was fuming at me for my stupidity! Still don’t know why I did that.

Day 8: Lying awake at 3 am, listening to radio. When did I last have lunch?. Is it just me or is the whole world going nuts?

Day 9: Husband phones and asks “Did Gardai catch you?”. Me: “not yet”. He: “When they catch you, talk to them in Malayalam”. He is so sure that I am going to get caught!

Day 10: Me phones and tell husband:

“My swimming classes will start on this Monday. If you find me missing when you return, first search Gardai Station, then swimming pool and then in the new shopping centre. If I am not found dead in any of those, I will be alive under my office desk.”

Day 11: the story continues…..