Me and My Mama!

 Usually I don’t write my personal problems here. That’s because, after a while, I may adapt to problems and find out my own solutions or problems just vanish without me doing anything. (God always does his part well). But this seems to be something that hangs on to my conscience and not to my brain.

During my mentally growing up days (15-25), the relationship between my mom and me was always a strained one. We never got together well. I always quarreled with her(24 hrs a day!). I wanted freedom, and she wanted me to be protected always. As I didn’t have any siblings, I always craved to have the freedom of a boy. I didn’t know, what all is allowed for a girl and what not. In fact I didn’t know, where to draw the line. So my amma was always worried about my safety. And her over protectiveness irritated me to the core, sometimes pushing me even to a sort of violent behavior. For eg: if I wanted to go to the next post office, she MUST know, why!! I was never allowed to go to any of my friends’ houses and if they came to my house, my mom kept a watch over them, which made me REALLY maaaaaaaad!!! Also I had 2 ugly relationships, which broke my heart and made my mom very insecure about me. She didn’t trust me to land in another healthy relation.

 I have not so very warm relationship with my relatives, both my mom’s side and dad’s side and not to mention my hubby’s side. But I handle it tactfully, so that I keep away from very difficult ones and just smile and act-good with not so difficult ones. Problems started when I was 15, when I happened to hear my moms very close relatives and my dads very close relatives started bitching about my mom, in front of me. They actually pitied me, that I was “her” daughter. First few years, I didn’t understand what was going on, and considered my mom as my worst enemy, cos for me; she was the cause to hear all those nasty things from my “close” aunts.

But as years went by, and after I grew up,(after 12 yrs to be exact!! ) I came to know about the politics behind all those bitching and backstabbing and of course imaginative gossiping. (At that time, my dad was of little help to her!!!).

 I don’t know, in those days, how my mom stood alone in the sea of whole backstabbers both in my moms family and dads, considering even I was giving her a very bad time.  Now when I see sometimes, my mom getting insulted, I want to give that person, a piece of my mind, and there were lots of instances, when my mom pulled me back, saying that I must not spoil the relationship. Then I tell her, “amma, 13-14 yrs ago, I have heard those ppl telling things about you, that a child should never have heard. I cant forget it, till I am dead!”, and she says “its ok…leave it!”.

Now I can never ever forgive those ppl, (one character has even passed away, now), for what they did to my amma. So, what I do is non-co operation, in whatever ways I can. I just pull out myself, from any get together in family. Surprisingly, my mom drags me, saying, “Relationships are important”. I say “only, u, dad and my hubby” are my earthly relations. I don’t care about others, and she says its not like that. 

My amma is very ill for past 2-3 yrs, (result of 2 consecutive major surgeries!). When I am around I take her to hospital. I have taken her to hospital even at midnights, alone, in my car. She gets admitted to hospital almost once in every 2-3 months. Last month, while she was admitted, dad wanted to go home. Amma was given IV and I had to let the nurse know if she shivers (she has that probm). I dropped dad at home and came back .I was shuttling b/w hospital and home at 11 pm, 12 am, I am. Everybody in the hospital was wondering as me, a girl was driving at midnight thru the town, which is very bad at that hour. I sat near her bed and at 3:30am, when the IV bottle finished, I rang for the nurse. After that I went to the open parking lot, and lay down inside my car. (The ward didn’t have extra bed). I lay there looking at the open sky thru the car window, and wondered why I am not scared!

Next day when my mom woke up, her ward mates told her that she was lucky to have a daughter like me, who is almost a son. I was there, hearing it and my mom smiled. And then I thought  “nothing would compensate for the things that my mom did for me, on those dark days of our life. I was the worst daughter any mom could imagine, and will these minor things I do now, will compensate for all hose horrible things I did to her?”

I made my mom discharge from hospital and reached home. I thot mom would be upset that dad went home, after admitting her. But she didn’t. Later I overheard my dad telling amma “yesterday I understood, how much ur daughter loves you. She will give her life for you”, and again my mom just smiled.

When I was in Ireland, again she fell ill. That was my most painful time. I cursed myself for the first time, for coming to Ireland, leaving amma. I cried thru phone and my dad promised me, he will take her to hospital. But by Gods grace, her condition was better soon.

This is me and my mom….2 women, finally getting to know each others soul, and finally understanding each other even w/o uttering a word.

note: the pic is of me and my mom on my wedding day! btw, i have never told my amma that i love her, as far as i can remember, though i tried alot...